Autumn is knocking at my door.
I haven't opened yet.
Not that I don't want it to come in, for I love autumn.
I'm not done yet.
I mean, my divorce with humanity is not complete.
There are still a few things to straighten out and I want to be totally free so I could fully enjoy this wonderful season.
Oh yes, I love autumn.
The temperatures can be a real roller coaster.
I went yesterday to pick up a picture mom wanted to put in a frame. I was wearing shorts, t-shirt and sandals and was dripping sweat. It felt like the middle of July.
And today, it feels like the end of November. I'm wearing pants, socks, sneakers, long-sleaves shirt and a denim jacket.
All is gray.
I love gray skies.
I love rainy days.
They are so calm.
I love the decay of all thing which come with this season.
Autumn is the season where Nature turns into a poet.
All the plants will be turned into compost.
I haven't bought any new soil for 2 years now.
The cherry tomatoes plant has been terminated.
The hose is hooked to the drain of the AC. The humidity sucked from the house and liquified was used to water the tomatoes.
I'm such a recycling maniac!
I should get it down tomorrow.
That's my room. I just see now that the light on my desk was still on.
I bought a small camera shortly after Christmas last year and I've decided I would post some of the pics I take and put these posts under the same title: La boîte à images (The Image Box).
Here's my camera taking a selfie of itself. (!)
And here's the first flock of geese heading back South for the winter. I snaped it just a few minutes ago through the window of my room. I had to be real quick which explains the bad resolution.
Yes, autumn is a wonderful season. A time to slow down and prepare to hibernate.
A time to reflect upon all that's been going on.
This year, I realised that I had completely lost faith in humanity.
Or rather, I should say I came to the realisation that I never had any faith in humanity.
I had been lying to myself all these years.
All these years I've been working my best at trying to make this world a better place to live. I had made for myself the motto "Think globaly, act locally".
What a big hoax all this is.
I understand now that we don't have to bring peace into this world. We have to bring peace within ourselves.
But we don't want peace. We want to control. We want to dominate. We want to be at the top. We want to change the world but we don't want to change ourselves. No. The others must change. Not us.
We will never have peace in this world.
Am I depressed?
After I finally accepted this simple fact, I felt an intense feeling of peace invading my soul. The cloud of depression that had been hovering over my head for the past twenty five years had suddenly dissapeared.
I wish I could write down how this whole process happened, but my mind is all over the place and I can't quite gather my thoughts and make something meaningful and sensible out of them.
All I know is that I am fine.
And I will be fine.
No matter what happens.
The world may be crumbling down, but I'll be fine.
No one gets out of here alive anyways.
So why all the fuss.
Why all the worries.
So here's the picture mom wanted to put in a frame. It's actually an image that was on a gift bag, Earlier this spring, her friend brought her a present in a gift bag and I think mom liked the gift bag more than the gift itself.
Mom is doing wonderfully well.
A couple of months ago, we were sitting in the living room, silently enjoying a cup of coffee and the tranquility of a cool, sunny Sunday morning.
She broke the silence by telling me that for the first time in 77 years, she was really starting to enjoy her life.
"Better late than never!" she said.
And we laughed.
She's been through a rough road.
When I see all she's been through, the abuse, the illnesses, the failed marriage, the financial difficulties, and I could go on and on, she shouldn't be here so alive and well. She is, in many ways, in better shape today then she's ever been. Sure, she is 77 years old. She cannot do all the things she used to do. But she has come to term with her past and with the reality of aging.
She is looking forward to her 80th birthday.
"I still have so much to learn! I've got so much work to do."
And work she did a lot after not one, not two but three severe nervous breakdowns since 2001.
Back then, at 65 years old, she could have let herself go and die. She considered the oprtion seriously. But, something deep inside herself pushed her in the opposite direction.
And this something wasn't God. Mom believe in God, but the not one the church taught her.
"God doesn't interfere with our life, she says. He doesn't give nor does he take. HE IS. Period. And so, I AM. That's it and that's all. We are all what HE is and it's up to us to make use of all we are."
Yes she worked hard.
Worked hard at letting go.
Letting go the anger, the resentment, the bitterness.
She is aging so gracefully, savouring every minutes of this life she is giving to herself.